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«There is a field – a broad south-sloping field sitting astride a long hill that curves away into a secret leafy valley. It is sheltered by dense ...»

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Two Caravans

There is a field – a broad south-sloping field sitting astride a long hill

that curves away into a secret leafy valley. It is sheltered by dense

hedges of hawthorn and hazel threaded through with wild roses and

evening-scented honeysuckle. In the mornings, a light breeze carries

up over the Downs, just enough to kiss the air with the fresh salty

tang of the English Channel. In fact so delightful is the air that,

sitting up here, you might think you were in paradise. And in the field are two caravans, a men’s caravan and a women’s caravan.

If this was really the Garden of Eden, though, there ought to be an apple tree, thinks Yola. But it is the Garden of England, and the field is full of ripening strawberries. And instead of a snake, they have the Dumpling.

Sitting on the step of the women’s caravan, painting her toenails fuchsia pink, petite voluptuous Yola watches the Dumpling’s Land Rover pull in through the gate at the bottom of the field, and the new arrival clamber down out of the passenger seat. Really, she cannot for the life of her understand why they have sent this two-zloty-pudding of a girl, when what is clearly needed is another man – preferably someone mature, but with his own hair and nice legs, and a calm nature – who will not only pick faster, but will bring a pleasant sexual harmony to their small community, whereas anyone can see that this little miss is going to set the fox among the chickens, and that all the men will be vying for her favours and not paying attention to what they are really here for, namely the picking of strawberries. This thought is so annoying that it makes Yola lose concentration on her middle toe, which ends up looking like a botched amputation.

Two Caravans And there is also the question of space, Yola broods, studying the new girl as she makes her way past the men’s caravan and up the field. Although there are more women than men, the women’s caravan is the smaller, just a little four-berth tourer that you might tow behind when you go o on holiday to the Baltic. Yola, as the supervisor, is a person of status, and although petite she is gener- ously proportioned, so naturally she has a single bunk to herself.

Marta, her niece, has the other single bunk. The two Chinese girls – Yola can never get the hang of their names – share the fold-out double bed, which, when extended, takes up the whole floor space.

That’s it. There is no room for anyone else.

The four of them have done their best to make their caravan seem bright and homely. The Chinese girls have stuck pictures of baby animals and David Beckham on the walls. Marta has stuck a picture of the Black Virgin of Krakow beside David Beckham. Yola, who likes things to smell nice, has set a bunch of wild flowers in a cup, hedge roses, campion and white-gold honeysuckle, to sweeten the air.

A particularly charming feature of their caravan is the clever storage space: there are compact cupboards, cunning head-level lockers and drawers with delightful decorative handles where everything can be hidden away. Yola likes things to be neat. The four women have become skilled at avoiding each other, skirting round each other in the small space with womanly delicacy, unlike men, who are defective creatures, prone to be clumsy and take up unnecessary room, though of course they can’t help it and they do have some good points, which she will tell you about later.

This new girl – she skips straight up to the caravan and drops her bag down right in the middle of the floor. She has come from Kiev, she says, looking around her with a smile on her face. Irina is her name. She looks tired and dishevelled, with a faint whi of chip fat about her. Where does she think she is going to keep that bag?

Two Caravans Where does she think she is going to sleep? What does she have to smile about? That’s what Yola wants to know.

* ‘Irina, my baby, you can still change your mind! You don’t have to go!’ Mother was wailing and dabbing at her pinky eyes with a tissue, causing an embarrassing scene at Kiev bus station.

‘Mother, please! I’m not a baby!’ You expect your mother to cry at a moment like this. But when my craggy old Pappa turned up too, his shirt all crumpled and his silver hair sticking up like an old-age porcupine, OK, I admit it rattled me. I hadn’t expected him to come to see me o.

‘Irina, little one, take care.’ ‘Shcho ti, Pappa. What’s all this about? Do you think I’m not coming back?’ ‘Just take care, my little one.’ Sni e. Sigh.

‘I’m not little, Pappa. I’m nineteen. Do you think I can’t look after myself ?’ ‘Ah, my little pigeon.’ Sigh. Sni e. Then Mother started up again. Then – I couldn’t help myself – I started up too, sighing and sni ing and dabbing my eyes, until the coach driver told us to get a move on, and Mother shoved a bag of bread and salami and a poppy-seed cake into my hands, and we were o. From Kiev to Kent in forty-two hours.

OK, I admit, forty-two hours on a coach is not amusing. By the time we reached Lviv, the bread and salami were all gone. In Poland, I noticed that my ankles were starting to swell. When we stopped for fuel somewhere in Germany I stu ed the last crumbs of the poppy-seed cake into my mouth and washed it down with nasty metallic-tasting water from a tap that was marked not for drinking. In Belgium my period started, but I didn’t notice until the dark stain of blood seeped through my jeans into the seat. In France I lost all sensation in my feet. On the ferry to Dover I found a toilet Two Caravans and cleaned myself up. Looking into the cloudy mirror above the washbasin I hardly recognised the wan dark-eyed face that stared back at me – was that me, that scru y straggle-haired girl with bags under her eyes? I walked about to restore the circulation in my legs, and standing on the deck at dawn I watched the white cli s of England materialise in the pale watery light, beautiful, mysterious, the land of my dreams.





At Dover I was met o the boat by Vulk, waving a bit of card with my name on it – Irina Blazkho. Typical – he’d got the spelling wrong. He was the type Mother would describe as a person of minimum culture, wearing a horrible black fake-leather jacket, like a comic-strip gangster – what a koshmar! – it creaked as he walked.

All he needed was a gun.

He greeted me with a grunt. ‘Hrr. You he passport? Peppers?’ His voice was deep and sludgy, with a nasty whi of cigarette smoke and tooth decay.

This gangster-type should brush his teeth. I fumbled in my bag, and before I could say anything he grabbed my passport and Seasonal Agricultural Worker papers and stowed them in the breast pocket of his koshmar jacket.

‘I keep for you. Is many bed people in England. Can stealing from you.’ He patted the pocket, and winked. I could see straightaway that there was no point in arguing with a person of this type, so I hoisted my bag onto my shoulder and followed him across the car park to a huge shiny black vehicle that looked like a cross between a tank and a Zill, with darkened windows and gleaming chrome bars at the front – a typical mafia-machine. These high-status cars are popular with primitive types and social undesirables. In fact he looked quite like his car: overweight, built like a tank, with a gleaming silver front tooth, a shiny black jacket, and a straggle of hair tied in a ponytail hanging down his back like an exhaust pipe.

Ha ha.

Two Caravans He gripped my elbow, which was quite unnecessary – stupid man, did he think I might try to escape? – and pushed me onto the back seat with a shove, which was also unnecessary. Inside, the mafia-machine stank even more of tobacco. I sat in silence looking nonchalantly out of the window while he scrutinised me rudely through the rear-view mirror. What did he think he was staring at?

Then he lit up one of those thick vile-smelling cigars – Mother calls them New Russian cigarettes – what a stink! – and started pu ng away. Pu. Stink.

I didn’t take in the scenery that flashed past through the black-tinted glass – I was too tired – but my body registered every twist in the lane, and the sudden jerks and jolts when he braked and turned.

This gangster-type needs some driving lessons.

He had some potato chips wrapped in a paper bundle on the passenger seat beside him, and every now and then he would plunge his left fist in, grab a handful of chips and cram them into his mouth.

Grab. Cram. Chomp. Grab. Cram. Chomp. Not very refined. The chips smelt fantastic, though. The smell of the cigar, the lurching motion as he steered with one hand and stu ed his mouth with the other, the low dragging pain from my period – it was all making me feel queasy and hungry at the same time. In the end, hunger won out. I wondered what language this gangster-type would talk.

Byelorussian? He looked too dark for a Belarus. Ukrainian? He didn’t look Ukrainian. Maybe from somewhere out east? Chechnya?

Georgia? What do Georgians look like? The Balkans? Taking a guess, I asked in Russian, ‘Please, Mister Vulk, may I have something to eat?’ He looked up. Our eyes met in the rear-view mirror. He had real gangster-type eyes – poisonous black berries in eyebrows as straggly as an overgrown hedge. He studied me in that o ensive way, sliding his eyes all over me.

‘Little flovver vants eating?’ He spoke in English, though he must have understood my Russian. Probably he came from one of those Two Caravans newly independent nations of the former Soviet Union where everyone can speak Russian but nobody does. OK, so he wanted to talk English? I’d show him.

‘Yes indeed, Mister Vulk. If you could oblige me, if it does not inconvenience you, I would appreciate something to eat.’ ‘No problema, little flovver!’ He helped himself to one more mouthful of chips – grab, cram, chomp – then scrunched up the remnants in the oily paper and passed them over the back of the seat. As I reached forward to take them, I saw something else nestled down on the seat beneath where the chips had been. Something small, black and scary. Shcho to! Was that a real gun?

My heart started hammering. What did he need a gun for? Mamma, Pappa, help me! OK, just pretend not to notice. Maybe it’s not loaded. Maybe it’s just one of those cigar lighters. So I unfolded the crumpled paper – it was like a snug, greasy nest. The chips inside were fat, soft and still warm. There were only about six left, and some scraps. I savoured them one at a time. They were lightly salty, with a touch of vinegar, and they were just – mmm! – indescribably delicious. The fat clung to the edges of my lips and hardened on my fingers, so I had no choice but to lick it o, but I tried to do it discreetly.

‘Thank you,’ I said politely, for rudeness is a sign of minimum culture.

‘No problema. No problema.’ He waved his fist about as if to show how generous he was. ‘Food for eat in transit. All vill be add to your living expense.’ Living expense? I didn’t need any more nasty surprises. I studied his back, the creaky stretched-at-the-seams jacket, the ragged ponytail, the thick yellowish neck, the flecks of dandru on the fakeleather collar. I was starting to feel queasy again.

‘What is this, expense?’ ‘Expense. Expense. Foods. Transports. Accommodations.’ He took both hands o the steering wheel and waved them in the air.

Two Caravans ‘Life in vest is too much expensive, little flovver. Who you think vill be pay for all such luxury?’ Although his English was appalling, those words came rolling out like a prepared speech. ‘You think this vill be providing all for free?’ So Mother had been right. ‘Anybody can see this agency is run by crooks. Anybody but you, Irina.’ (See how Mother has this annoying habit of putting me down?) ‘And if you tell them lies, Irina, if you pretend to be student of agriculture when you are nothing of the sort, who will help you if something goes wrong?’ Then she went on in her hysterical way about all the things that go wrong for Ukrainian girls who go West – all those rumours and stories in the papers.

‘But everyone knows these things only happened to stupid and uneducated girls, Mother. They’re not going to happen to me.’ ‘If you will please say me what are the expenses, I will try to meet them.’ I kept my voice civilised and polite. The chrome-bar tooth gleamed.

‘Little flovver, the expense vill be first to pay, and then you vill be pay. Nothing to be discuss. No problema.’ ‘And you will give me back my passport?’ ‘Exact. You verk, you get passport. You no verk, you no passport.

Someone mekka visit in you mamma in Kiev, say Irina no good verk, is mek big problem for her.’ ‘I have heard that in England...’ ‘England is a change, little flovver. Now England is land of possibility. England is not like in you school book.’ I thought of dashing Mr Brown from Let’s Talk English – if only he were here!

‘You have an excellent command of English. And of Russian maybe?’ ‘English. Russian. Serbo-Croat. German. All languages.’ So he sees himself as a linguist; OK, keep him talking.

Two Caravans ‘You are not a native of these shores, I think, Mister Vulk?’ ‘Think everything vat you like, little flovver.’ He gave me a leery wink in the mirror, and a flash of silver tooth. Then he started tossing his head from side to side as if to shake out his dandru.

‘This, you like? Is voman attract?’ It took me a moment to realise he was referring to his ponytail.

Was this his idea of flirtation? On the scale of attractiveness, I would give him zero. For a person of minimum culture he certainly had some pretensions. What a pity Mother wasn’t here to put him right.

‘It is absolutely irresistible, Mister Vulk.’ ‘You like? Eh, little flovver? You vant touch?’ The ponytail jumped up and down. I held my breath.

‘Go on. Hrr. You can touch him. Go on,’ he said with horrible oily enthusiasm.

I reached out my hand, which was still greasy and smelt of chips.

‘Go on. Is pleasure for you.’ I touched it – it felt like a rat’s tail. Then he flicked his head, and it twitched beneath my fingers like a live rat.

‘I he hear that voman is cannot resisting such a hair it reminding her of men’s oggan.’ What on earth was he talking about now?

‘Oggan?’ He made a crude gesture with his fingers.



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