«FADE IN: EXT. SUBURBIA - NIGHT A beautiful late summer night. Crickets chirping, sprinklers sprinkling. We PAN across one particular lawn, up one ...»
EXT. SUBURBIA - NIGHT
A beautiful late summer night. Crickets chirping, sprinklers
We PAN across one particular lawn, up one particular tree,
where we see THE PEEPER (Jon Lovitz) sitting on a limb. He
has a bottle of wine, some sandwiches, a Walkman. Suddenly
the lights turn on.
We see a young mother walk into the room outside the Peeper's window. She is wearing business attire.
PEEPER (CONT'D) Rough day at the office Mrs. Dunleavy?
(takes bite of sandwich) Well you'll feel better once you slip off those work clothes and get into some sweats.
The mother sits on the bed and pulls off her shoes, rubbing her feet.
PEEPER (CONT'D) Oh my G-D, yes! I wish you would let me rub those feet. Of course I wouldn't use my hands. Heh heh heh heh...
He sips some wine.
The mother starts to unbutton her blouse. She takes it off, revealing a nice bra.
PEEPER (CONT'D) Looks like Victoria just told me her secret.
The peeper frantically writes in a dirty notebook. Mouthing the words as he goes.
PEEPER (CONT'D) Thursday the ninth, eight-thirty p.m., Script provided for educational purposes. More scripts can be found here: http://www.sellingyourscreenplay.com/library first brassiere sighting...
(stops writing) I will pleasure myself to this image for months. MONTHS I TELL YOU!
The mother starts to unbutton her pants. Her young son walks in wearing a scouts uniform.
PEEPER (CONT'D) Young Scottie Dunleavy. What unfortunate timing. You mother was just getting comfy.
The son talks to his mother excitedly.
PEEPER (CONT'D) Yes, yes, I'm sure you tied many great knots today or whatever. Now get out.
The son, not going anywhere, sits in a chair.
PEEPER (CONT'D) Now what. This simply won't do.
The peeper takes out a cell phone and dials. The son answers.
PEEPERHello, Scottie. Why don't you go downstairs like a good boy and let your mother freshen up.
SCOTTIEWho is this?
PEEPERJust a little birdie. A birdie who wants to see if your mother's panties match her bra.
MOTHEROh my G-D Scottie. Is there a man up our tree?
The peeper gets nervous.
PEEPERTell her no. Tell her it's just a big Script provided for educational purposes. More scripts can be found here: http://www.sellingyourscreenplay.com/library bird.
The peeper starts flapping his arms and making bird noises.
We SEE Scottie with his sling shot. The mother nods yes. He shoots it. It hits the peeper square in the head. He falls to the ground with a thud.
PEEPER (CONT'D) Mrs. Dunleavy, please come help me. And wear your bikini.
The peeper looks up. He sees Scottie pushing a television out the window. It lands on top of the peeper. He's dead.
PEEPER'S POV We see the tunnel turn into more of a slide now and the peeper races towards the opening which is lit by fire. He SCREAMS.
EXT. FIRE GATES OF HELLWe see the GATE/WALL OF FLAMES. We hear screaming. Wham!
We see the peeper come flying through the flames and land in a heap in a shallow pit of coals.
Dazed, he stands and we see other people shooting through the fire wall at different levels. (NOTE: All the arrivals clothes are now burned & shredded).
GATEKEEPER (O.S.) Welcome!
The peeper looks left to see the GATEKEEPER standing at his station greeting the new SOULS with mock cheer.
MATTE PAINTING HELL
MUSIC UP: "RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL" BY VAN HALENThe VAST and insane kingdom of Hell. A road leads toward it like the yellow brick road only with fire and coals. We see the black castle in the distance. The camera zooms into the castle, to one particular window.
INT. NICKY'S ROOM - DAY
The head demon, JIMMY THE DEMON, opens the door, scaring NICKY who falls backward into the table, breaking it.
NICKY (embarrassed) Hey...
JIMMY THE DEMONYour father wants to see you and your brothers in the throne room.
NICKY Okay, but Jimmy, when the house is rockin', don't forget the knockin'!
INT. BLACK PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAYADRIAN and CASSIUS are playing darts. They're aiming for people's faces that are coming through the wall.
ADRIAN I've been waiting on this day for ten thousand years.
He throws a dart that hits one of the heads in the forehead.
HUMAN DARTBOARDScript provided for educational purposes. More scripts can be found here: http://www.sellingyourscreenplay.com/library Aaaah!
CASSIUS If the old man picks me to take over Hell, I'll keep the torture going twenty four seven. No breaks.
ADRIAN Well Dad says it's the breaks that make the torture. You have to let people feel a sense of relief.
Cassius whips a dart which hits one of the HUMAN DARTBOARDS in the eye.
ADRIAN Then again, the beauty of Dad retiring is what he says doesn't matter anymore.
HUMAN DARTBOARDWas that really necessary?
Nicky enters sheepishly.
CASSIUS Hey, how's Daddy's little girl doing today?
NICKY Good, thanks.
Cassius snaps his fingers in Nicky's face.
Cassius' eyes start glowing red.
NICKY Actually, I'll take a rain check on0 Script provided for educational purposes. More scripts can be found here: http://www.sellingyourscreenplay.com/library Nicky is slammed into a nearby desk as if by an invisible force.
CASSIUS Got ya!
NICKY (picking up his head) Yes, you got me...
Nicky's head slams back down again.
CASSIUS Got ya, again!
NICKY (picking head up) Got me for sure, yes...
He grabs a lamp off the desk and cracks himself over the head.
CASSIUS Got ya! Now here's the big finish...
Nicky frowns as he finds his own right hand heading for his own crotch.
NICKY Oh no. Please Cassius...
Nicky's hand is being possessed. It gets closer and closer until it latches on to Nicky's crotch.
NICKY (CONT'D) Aaaaah.
Cassius concentrates even harder, making Nicky twist his own hand. Nicky screams even louder. Adrian smiles. They don't notice that DAD, wearing a sweatsuit (and with very small devil horns), enters behind them.
DAD What are you boys doing?
Cassius releases Nicky's hand.
NICKY Nothing, Dad. Just re-arranging the furniture.
Script provided for educational purposes. More scripts can be found here: http://www.sellingyourscreenplay.com/library DAD Cassius, didn't I tell you to stay out of your brother's mind?
CASSIUS I forgot.
DAD Maybe this will help you remember.
Dad's eyes flash red and Cassius punches himself hard in the nose, sending him back against the wall and down to the floor.
DAD (CONT'D) Now everybody sit down.
NICKY Hey, Dad, I'm almost finished laying down my monsters of metal compilation tape. I really think it's a masterpiece.
DAD Okay, kid, we'll listen to it later.
He leads the boys to the throne area. We see outside the window the peeper staring in sexily. Dad looks, shakes his head. Just then, THE BIRD appears and attacks him. Dad closes the curtains.
Nicky, Adrian and Cassius sit on little stools at the foot of his throne. Dad lights a cigarette with his finger, the tip of which glows red like a cigarette lighter and looks down at his three sons.
DAD (CONT'D) My dad, your granddad, Lucifer, was thrown out of Heaven by G-d and rules here in hell for ten thousand years.
And after this ten thousand years had passed, he decided to abdicate his throne...
Confused, Nicky sheepishly raises his hand.
DAD (CONT'D) Script provided for educational purposes. More scripts can be found here: http://www.sellingyourscreenplay.com/library...to step aside.
(Nicky lowers his hand)...and let me become the ruler of hell.
This, as some of you might know, is my ten thousandth year as Prince of Darkness. So I think the time has come to discuss who will succeed me.
Jimmy the Demon walks in.
JIMMY THE DEMONKnock, knock.
DAD Yes, Jimmy.
He whispers in Dad's ear.
DAD (CONT'D) No, no, that's not what I said. He can keep his thumbs, but the fingers gotta go.
JIMMY THE DEMON(turning to leave) Oh, and don't forget, you're shoving a pineapple up Hitler's ass at four o'clock.
DAD This was a very difficult decision, because I have three wonderful sons. I mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless.
And Cassius, so strong, so tough. And Nicky, so...so...
NICKY Don't worry about coming up with anything. It's cool.
DAD Such a sweet boy. But after much thought and careful consideration, I've decided that the ruler for the next ten thousand years is going to have to be...me.
CASSIUS AND ADRIANScript provided for educational purposes. More scripts can be found here: http://www.sellingyourscreenplay.com/library (dumbfounded) What!?
They all look at Nicky.
NICKY (CONT'D) I mean...tough break.
DAD The important thing for the stability of our rule is to maintain the balance between good and evil. And I don't think any of you are ready for that responsibility yet. You need the wisdom that comes only with the passage of time.
CASSIUS Dad! This is Hoyashit.
Dad glares. Cassius goes FLYING BACK. One of the Human Dartboards laughs. Cassius whips a dart and hits him in the tongue. Jimmy enters and points at his watch.
DAD Right. Right. Send him in.
(to the boys) I'm sorry, boys. I've got to get back to work.
ADRIAN You sure about this decision, Dad?
DAD I'm telling you, pal, it's the right thing to do.
HITLER (in a French maid's outfit), is being brought in by Jimmy. They head towards the closet.
Inside the closet is a crate of pineapples. Hitler picks out a relatively small one. Dad shakes his head "no." Dad walks over to the closet. Hitler picks out a really big pineapple.
Dad nods "yes." Hitler sadly hands it to Dad. Jimmy bends Hitler over and as Dad raises the fruit...
Script provided for educational purposes. More scripts can be found here: http://www.sellingyourscreenplay.com/library
CLOSE ON HITLER'S EYESAs the pineapple's jammed up his ass.
HITLER Holy schnit!!
EXT. HIGHWAY TO HELL - DAY Cassius and Adrian are standing by the road still flowing with souls. Both are pissed. There's a big, ugly, Bigfoot looking MONSTER hanging out with them, kind of nodding along.
CASSIUS You work your ass off for ten thousand years, hurting people, helping others hurt people, then you get a decision like that.
ADRIAN And he's dead serious.
CASSIUS It's just such a slap in the face.
Adrian turns to the Monster.
ADRIAN Um, excuse me, we're having a private conversation here.
Cassius insanely snaps his fingers in the Monster's face.
The Monster shrugs and walks off.
ADRIAN Twenty-thousand years ago, Grandpa Lucifer said, "It is better to rule in hell than serve in heaven." Well, I'm getting tired of serving in Hell. We need a place where we can rule.
Cassius throws a rock at the Monster. He yelps, then turns around, motioning like he's thinking about coming back.
Cassius sees this and gets enraged.
CASSIUS Oh you wanna be a big man? Bring it on!! Let's see what you got!
Script provided for educational purposes. More scripts can be found here: http://www.sellingyourscreenplay.com/library The Monster, upon further reflection, throws his hands up in an "aw phooey" gesture and continues walking away.
CASSIUS (CONT'D) That's what I thought!
ADRIAN (to Cassius) Could you concentrate for five seconds?
ADRIAN What do you think about...Earth?
Cassius seems to think this isn't a bad idea.
ADRIAN (CONT'D) We could create our own hell there.
CASSIUS You saying we go up there and kill everyone?
ADRIAN Eventually, Cassius. But first we corrupt as many as we can so that when we do destroy them...
CASSIUS...their damned souls will be ours.
ADRIAN It's our time, brother.
The two look at each other. They start running toward the fire wall. Knocking souls out of their way.
GATEKEEPER Hey, what are you doing?!?
They get closer to the fire.
Script provided for educational purposes. More scripts can be found here: http://www.sellingyourscreenplay.com/library GATEKEEPER (CONT'D) You know something? You guys suck! You really suck!
Sirens go off. Dogs start barking. Lights flash. And we hear the sound of DAMNED SOULS hitting the back of the firewall hard.
INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTERDad and Nicky are listening to one of Nicky's metal mix tapes. We hear the end of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb."
Pause. Dad exhales.
DAD Now that was an experience. "You are only coming through in waves." That line blows my mind every time.
DAD I don't care what kind of mood you're in at the start of that song. When it's over, that mood has been altered. Wow.
Great shit. What's next?
NICKY Well, I thought that after messing with your head, I'd give you a little kick in the keester.
DAD I was just playing with you.
Dad and Nicky dance to the song.